


The Nott Perspective

by bexchan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Drabble Collection, Explicit Language, Friendship, Multi, No Plot/Plotless, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:54:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25077958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bexchan/pseuds/bexchan
Summary: A few short moments of Draco and Hermione’s relationship through the cynical eyes of Theo Nott.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 31
Kudos: 528
Collections: LoveDump 2020





	The Nott Perspective

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NuclearNik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NuclearNik/gifts), [LadyKenz347](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyKenz347/gifts).



> A/n: A little present for Toni and Nik – a very poor attempt at rousing some chuckles!
> 
> Summary: A few short moments of Draco and Hermione’s relationship through the cynical eyes of Theo Nott.

**~.~**

** The Nott Perspective **

**~.~**

Theo’s mouth hung open like the hinges of his jaw had broken, and his eyes were narrowed into thin, baffled slits. He sat completely still in his chair, his chin perched on the knuckles of his balled fists, and his elbows leaning against the dining table. Opposite him sat Draco, one of only two people in the world he trusted, but his oldest friend wasn’t looking back at him. Instead, his eyes were lowered, fixated on his restless fingers as they drummed against the antique table with a slow, agitated rhythm. Outside, one of Malfoy Manor’s resident peacocks squawked like a shrill siren, and that noise made him blink.

“Sorry,” said Theo, leaning forward. “Could you repeat that? Just so I know I’m not having a stroke or something.”

“You heard what I said, Theo,” replied Draco, still looking down.

“So you actually fucked Hermione Granger?”

Draco rolled his steel-grey eyes. “Those weren’t the words I used, Theo.”

“Oh, like that bloody matters,” he scoffed sarcastically. “How the fuck did that even happen? I mean, obviously I know _how_ it happened, but how did you end up shagging?”

“I don’t bloody know,” said Draco, sighing and lifting his eyes to frown at the ceiling. “We were in work. She was pissing me off, I was pissing her off, and we were in each other’s faces-“

“I can practically picture it.”

“Stop that.”

Theo smirked and sipped his tea. “You know, I knew this was going to happen.”

Draco snorted. “No, you didn’t.”

“Okay, fine, I didn’t. Anyway, carry on. Paint the scene for me.”

“What? Do you honestly think I’m going to describe it to you, like some shit erotic novel?”

“Merlin, I wish you would.”

“ _Nott.”_

A chuckle vibrated around Theo’s Adam’s apple. “I’m really not sorry, this is just too brilliant.”

“Alright, Nott, bugger off. Get out of my house and-“

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I don’t need any of the sticky, sweaty details,” he said, smirking when Draco shifted restively in his seat. “So, you were pissing each other off, your were in each others’ faces, and then what?”

“And then I stuck my tongue down her throat, apparently.”

“Wow, you really are such a romantic. And then all the sticky stuff happened?”

Draco gritted his teeth. “Yes.”

Theo paused and arched an eyebrow. “How was it?”

“Good,” replied Draco, exhaling heavily and rolling his eyes. “It was bloody brilliant, actually.”

“I knew it!” exclaimed Theo. “I fucking knew it would be! I always told you, the nerdy girls are the best in bed. That’s why I used to hover around the Ravenclaw girls back in Hogwarts. And then, not that you care, but it’s always the nice, polite boys that are the best to shag. That’s why I used to hang around the Hufflepuff changing rooms after Quidditch-“

“Theo, you’re waffling. What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“Why are you whinging about this like it’s a problem? You had good sex.”

“Yes, but it was with Granger,” said Draco, shaking his head. “You know, _Granger_. The girl I used bully and belittle because of her blood status back in Higwarts.”

Theo shrugged. “Yes, like ten years ago. You’ve been working together a while now. Clearly she’s over it. And get over yourself, you weren’t that intimidating. You were kind of scrawny and pale when we were kids-“

“Theo, what the fuck-“

“Don’t worry, you’re gorgeous now. And so is Granger, by the way. You want my advice? See if she enjoyed it as much as you did, and then see if she wants to do it again.”

* * *

Sat at the table, Theo massaged the bridge of his nose and squinted his eyes against the harsh August sunlight slicing through Draco’s kitchen window. The light seemed so intense, bouncing off the white walls and white cabinets, making the whole room radiate with a severe luminosity that made his hangover headache pound like a drum at the backs of his eye sockets. On the other side of the kitchen, Draco was making coffee and breakfast sandwiches, clanging cutlery and slamming cupboards shut, and making more noise than Theo thought could ever be necessary at eight in the morning.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” asked Theo, glaring at his friend. “You said it was an emergency.”

“It is an emergency,” said Draco.

“No, it’s not. An emergency would be you losing all your money, or being arrested by the Aurors, or getting your dick caught in your zip. Meeting Granger’s parents is not a sodding emergency.”

“I’m shitting myself about this, Theo.”

“I refuse to care until you bring me coffee. And could you STOP making so much bloody noise? I swear to Salazar's questionable soul-”

“Quiet, Theo,” hissed Draco, passing him a steaming cup of coffee. “Granger’s still asleep in bed.”

“Your house is the size of a small country, I’m sure it’s fine,” he replied dryly, taking a long swig of much-needed caffeine. “Wait, is Granger living here now? She was here when I popped over a couple of days ago.”

“No, she just spends most nights here.”

“Does she have a toothbrush and clothes here?”

Draco hesitated and averted his eyes. “Yes, but it’s only for convenience.”

“You really are so oblivious sometimes,” chided Theo. “You’re lucky you’re attractive. Is my bacon sandwich finished yet?”

“Two minutes. So, what the hell am I going to do about Granger’s parents?”

“I don’t bloody know. Are you worried because you really like Granger, or because they’re Muggles?”

“I’m not sure,” said Draco, shrugging his shoulders. “Both, I guess. I wouldn’t blame them for being wary of me after the way I treated Granger at Hogwarts.”

“I’m sure she’s told them that you’re less of a twat now. Slightly,” said Theo. 

“But I don’t think I’ve ever really had a long conversation with any Muggles before. What do we talk about?”

“I don’t bloody know, ask Granger.”

“Ask me what?”

Both of the men flicked their eyes over to the kitchen door as Hermione walked in, her hands fiddling with pulling her wild hair back into a ponytail. Clad in her work robes, she smiled broadly at them both and stole a sip of Draco’s coffee before she pecked him delicately on the cheek. But, apparently Draco desired more, and caught her lips with a brief but firm kiss. 

“Oh, for Merlin's sake,” groaned Theo. “Must you be so affectionate? I feel sick enough.”

“Good morning, Theo,” said Hermione, beaming warmly at him. “Heavy night?”

“Yes, and then your tosser boyfriend woke me up at seven in the morning and told me to come over. You know what you should do? Stop having sex with him. That might teach him a lesson.”

Hermione giggled a little, long used to Theo’s crass humour. “I’ll think about it. Anyway, what did you want to ask me?”

“Nothing,” said Draco quickly. “We were just-“

“He’s nervous about meeting your parents tonight,” interrupted Theo, ignoring his friend’s irate glare. “Said he was shitting himself, actually.”

“Oh, Draco,” cooed Hermione. “That’s so sweet and consierdate.”

Theo smirked. “I know, isn’t he just precious?”

“There’s really no need to be nervous,” assured Hermione.

“I’m not nervous,” defended Draco, somewhat unconvincingly. “He’s just messing around.”

“You are such a shit liar,” said Theo.

“You really are,” agreed Hermione. “Look, everything will be fine. You just need to be yourself, and they will love you as much I do. I have to go to work for a few hours, and then we’re meeting them later, but you just try to relax.”

Draco huffed out an agitated breath. “I am relaxed!”

“You don’t seem relaxed,” goaded Theo.

“Sod off, Theo!”

“Okay, well I’ll leave you two children to it,” said Hermione, grinning at the pair before she pecked Draco’s cheek again. “I really need to go. Like I said, don’t worry and we'll chat about this before we meet them for dinner. I’ll see you later!”

Draco’s expression remained scrunched up with ire as Hermione turned around and left the kitchen. He waited until he heard the front door shut behind her before he fixed his glare on Theo. “You really can be such a twat sometimes.”

“Trust me when I say I just did you a favour,” replied Theo. “I just made you endearing. You’re welcome. And you're a bigger twat.”

“I really should’ve asked Blaise to come over instead.”

“You’re probably right. Now, where the fuck is my sandwich?”

* * *

In the master bedroom of Malfoy Manor, Theo fiddled with his tie and formal robes for what was probably the tenth time in just as many minutes. Eyeing himself in the mirror, he frowned at his reflection and patted down a few wayward locks of brown hair, rolling his eyes when they sprung straight back up, out of place. Behind him, Draco marched into the room, also clad in formal robes and with a tumbler of Firewhiskey clenched tightly in his fist, his movements jittery and restless.

“Oh, calm down, Draco,” scolded Theo. “Don’t bother getting all twitchy and nervous-“

“My father’s not coming,” said Draco shortly. “He said he ‘didn’t want anything do with this abomination to the Malfoy name.’”

“Merlin. Your father really is a massive prick. It’s bloody lucky your mother got the manor signed over to you when he went to Azkaban. She’s still coming, right?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Well, don’t worry about it, then. Your father is hardly the life and soul of the party, is he? He’s a miserable bugger at the best of times.”

Draco sat on the edge of his bed, disturbing Crookshanks who was snoozing on one of the pillows. “I just thought he might have...you know.”

Sighing heavily, Theo sat down on a chair opposite his friend. “Look, mate, let’s be realistic. Your father hasn’t really been your father since you were sixteen, and it was only since then that you actually started becoming a decent bloke. Look at all the good shit that’s happened to you in the last ten years without him. Fuck him, you don’t need him.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“I’m definitely bloody right. He doesn’t deserve you getting all flustered about his absence. This is your wedding day. You’re supposed to be miserable for a completely different reason. You know, the metaphorical deep pit of despair of being perpetually attached to one person. Forever.”

Draco barked out a short laugh. “I’m not actually worried about that part.”

“I know, it’s sickening,” teased Theo.

“You’re a terrible best man.”

“Isn’t that an oxymoron?” 

“Merlin knows,” said Draco, shrugging. “Thanks for being a shit best man, though.”

“Oh, don’t get all sentimental on me, you can cry into your sleeve later when you see Granger in her dress. I’ve seen her in it by the way. She looks fit.”

“Of course she does. She always looks fit.”

Theo grinned and shifted his eyes to Crookshanks. “Her cat’s fucking hideous, though.”

“I know, and the cheeky sod knows he shouldn’t be on the bed. Anyway, is your speech ready?”

“No, I’m just going to wing it. I think I’ll tell the story about how you and Granger ended up shagging at work. I know your old boss is here, and I bet he’d love that story.”

Draco’s eyebrows knitted together and his voice lowered. “Theo...”

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> And that’s it! Hope it’s okay Nik and Tony and I hope this gained a few giggles. Love you both x  
> Bex


End file.
